A (Gay) League of Their Own

Professional athletes are the least likely celebrities to come out of the closet because they have to maintain a macho image no matter what. Whether you are a linebacker or a utility infielder, you have to be "the man" when it comes to the field or the court or the ice. One thing "the man" certainly does not do is inhale man pipe.

Statistically speaking, there should be hundreds of gay athletes. Every year there is new speculation about who is secretly switch hitting. Here are the most gossiped about, possible closet cases in recent history. Please note that it is not proven that any of these athletes are official, actual homos.

1. Mike Piazza, C; Los Angeles Dodgers, New York Mets, San Diego Padres, Oakland A's

Mike Piazza HAS to be on the top of this list, for one simple reason: he is immortalized in a song about his possible homosexuality. Belle and Sebastian's 2003 album Dear Catastrophe Waitress has a song called "Piazza, New York Catcher," containing the following line: "Piazza, New York catcher, are you straight or are you gay?" A band that isn't even from America, that knows nothing of sports besides who plays defense for Tottenham Hotspur, wrote a song about his possible homosexuality, and that band has a singer with (possibly) impeccable gaydar. He claimed, back in 2002 when these rumors first surfaced, to be straight. Oh, he also had a Village People mustache for years and played the position with the gayest name, or at least tied for first with pitcher: catcher.

2. Kazuhito Tadano, P; Cleveland Indians

While Tazuhito Kadano only played in a handful of games for the Cleveland Indians, he actually did some gay stuff. The Japanese pitcher (although it looks like he's catching here) did a gay porn film before his pro baseball career, but claims to not be gay, and that he did it for the money. He now plays for the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters. No joke necessary.

3. Jeff Garcia, QB; Almost every team in the NFL

The problem with Jeff Garcia's gay accusation is that the "witness" isn't at all credible. That's right, your favorite attempted suicide victim and new favorite Buffalo Bill, Terrell Owens is the accuser. In a Playboy interview, he was asked if he though his former teammate Garcia was gay. He replied, as only he could, with, "like my boy tells me: If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat." How eloquent. Garcia responded by talking about his girlfriends and his future plans to get married. In Vermont? He neglected to mention that a girl once allegedly karate kicked another girl over him! So not gay!

4. Lennox Lewis, Boxer

Lennox Lewis was once accused of being gay, mostly because he lived with his mother and owned a poodle and was unmarried. Those are some pretty weak leads, even though poodles ARE pretty gay. Is it because his accent and Queen's English sounded fruity? The world may never know. Nevertheless, in 2000, this British former Heavyweight Champion felt it necessary to defend his sexuality against those who thought he might be gay. He used the same interview to announce his intentions to start an underwear range when he retires, whatever that is. 

5. Brady Anderson, OF; Boston Red Sox, Baltimore Orioles, Cleveland Indians

During the inaugural season at Camden Yards in Baltimore, my uncle, a Maryland resident, took me to a game. Because the Orioles were (are) so bad, he had time during the snoozefest to tell me that Brady Anderson was gay. I think I always believed him because he lived near Baltimore and I thought he was a rad dude. Maybe he was just fucking with me? Since then, I've heard whispers that he liked to get down with dudes, but I don't think there was ever a press conference where he could claim that he loved slamming clam. He did have a baby with a girl though. A hot one. So, you know, that means he is straight as an arrow.

parts 6-10 of this sweeping epic will be available soon. I know you can't wait for it.